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Sitting, Waiting, Wi…Praying



Today, I’m going to talk about something other than style or food. I prayed about this topic last night and I was told to write about my current life situation, so here I am. Trust and patience are my biggest flaws in my relationship with Yahuah (“God” in Hebrew… His proper name), so that is what this post will be focused on. This is going to be a pretty emotional and long post for me, so please try to hang in there.

The way my life has played out so far is quite incredible. I’m going to write a book about it one day, or rather finish the book I have already started. Anyway, my life is honestly remarkable. All the things that have happened to me and all the things that I have had the opportunity to do, don’t make a lot of sense (at least to non-believers). So, knowing this about my life, along with my relationship with Yahuah, you think it’d be easier for me to trust Him with anything, right? Ha ha definitely not! I’m a human and that means I am a sinner.

Since the beginning of 2018, my faith has been tested more than ever. I mean like blatantly tested. I wrote about this last spring when I was going through my post-grad blues. If you haven’t read that yet, please go read it first and then come back to this post, because it all ties together.

Anyway, my faith has constantly been tested and lately, when Yahuah speaks to me, I try to listen. After all the things I’ve been through in the past, I have found that it is much “easier” to listen to Him the first time around and let go of what is logical. I’m not saying that having faith is illogical, but the way Yahuah works, especially in “impossible” situations, is difficult for our human brains to even grasp, let alone comprehend. So, in this current season of my faith being tested, I have had to come to terms with this. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone (including yourself), because when Yahuah says something is going to happen or something is yours, He means it.

“Just listen to Him. Your life will be less emotional, you will make less mistakes, and when the time is right, He will bless you.” 

I don’t want to give too much detail about this exact situation I’m going to discuss (my close friends know exactly what this is about), because I feel more comfortable not divulging entirely. Though you might be able to figure out what I’m talking about.

The past 9 months of my life have been far from easy. That’s a lot coming from me because I have been through A LOT of difficult times in life. I just really feel like this is the most difficult yet. Why? Because for the first time, I have no control of the situation. When I was suffering from mental illness during college, the most “logical” steps for me to follow, so that I could begin healing, were pretty simple. The process of healing wasn’t simple, it took a lot from me, but there was some certainty with the situation. Even last year when I was applying for jobs and I came across my current position, I didn’t have all the qualifications, but I knew that I was a hard worker and I have great interview skills, so my future employers would see it. There have been plenty of other moments in my life that deal with this, but I haven’t written about them yet on here, so I’m leaving them out.

This current situation I’m facing in this season of life is very trying. And in all honesty, I have never prayed for something more in my life. I know that is seems difficult to believe, but in the past, I just assumed that things would work out. Not because of my faith was stronger, but because the situations were logical. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but that is the best way I can put it. The current situation I’m in does NOT make any logical sense whatsoever. And that is why I am writing this.

When this current situation began, things were “perfect” and I honestly couldn’t believe it. Like I honestly thought it made sense considering what I was praying for just a month or so before it began to unfold. But guess what? A roadblock came along. Deep down though, when that happened, I knew that this was it. I still have that same instinctual/gut feeling. BUT the reality of the situation did not start to make sense after 2 months. I had prayed so diligently about this and Yahuah answered, but it was not how I was expecting it. And that is the first problem I want to address here.

Expectations do not go well with Yahuah’s doctrine when you’re comparing your life/situation to another person’s. I am still struggling with this, but not as much as I was at the beginning of the year (especially with this current situation). There are billions of people on this planet and no single life is the same. So why would we expect our story to be the same as our family members or our friends or strangers on the internet? We shouldn’t. Now there are some things that occur similarly, but Yahuah does not work that way. Every story is so incredibly different, so when things in my situation started to stray from how I believed they were supposed to work out, I started doubting Yahuah. And even though, I still had the gut feeling that this situation was far different from any other one I had ever encountered, I started clinging to doubt. I could not grasp what Yahuah was doing and at the time, and not listening to Him was much more comforting than doing what He repeatedly asked of me. Be patient/still.

So this is where my story from last spring comes into play. If you read the post, you know that the main theme for that entire story was being patient & having faith. Until 9 months ago, the situation with my job was my biggest test of patience. And to be honest, it was a pretty easy one because I didn’t have to wait very long. Once I had my first interview, I had the gut feeling that I had it. I didn’t know how or why, but I just knew. The same feeling exists in my current situation, but the waiting period has been extended AND it has nothing to do with me (kind of), so I have no control. If you know me, you know how much of a control freak I am, so the fact that I am being tested to lose control is no surprise to me… now. At the start of this, I didn’t fully understand, but when the same verse kept showing up in tandem to so many other “signs” from Yahuah, I knew that this was a test.

This has been said many times, but it is much easier to trust Yahuah when things are going great in life. Though when the going gets rough, how you react is very imperative. Uncertainty in humanly impossible situations is normal, but when you believe in a greater being, it’s insulting. If you truly had faith in Him, you would know that He has not only shown us He can perform impossible acts, but He would also not lead you astray or forsake you. I’ve learned so much about Yahuah throughout these past few months that it honestly scares me to think how different my life would be if this situation never came into fruition. I thought I had a great relationship with Yahuah and Yahushua (Jesus), but I really didn’t.

I never really spoke to Him when I prayed. I feel like I was “lazy” praying. So now that I have no control over a seemingly impossible situation, I have no choice but to talk to Him. And I do, like all the time. It honestly feels like I’ve prayed more in these last 9 months than in the past 5 years of my life. And Yahuah has continued to tell me the same thing, just be patient. It took me until just yesterday to finally “get it,” but now that I do, I’m not questioning it anymore. This situation still doesn’t make sense to me, but the best advice I can give it you’re struggling with faith in Yahuah is just listen to him. Your life will be less emotional, you will make less “mistakes,” and when the time is right, He will bless you. My situation is still developing and even though I know I messed up by not trusting Yahuah in the first place, I know that He has forgiven me and that He has not given up on me.

I laugh now as I’m typing this because if I had just listened the first time Yahuah told me to wait, things could be different. It has taken me questioning Him 3 times to finally understand that He already answered my prayer about this situation. He just doesn’t think this is the correct time and needs me to be patient and trust Him.

I also want to add more to something I stated earlier. If you are facing a difficult situation and Yahuah is telling you that it will work, don’t seek counsel from others. This has been my biggest mistake. No one else is going to understand your situation. Why? Because your relationship with the Creator is not like theirs. It took me all this time to realize this and I am glad I finally did. I can think of countless times I have told someone about a situation in my life and they were dumbfounded by how it all came to pass.

Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t talk to anyone about what is happening. I just believe that we can easily stop trusting Yahuah’s judgement when we begin to ask others for their advice on something they have no control over. My situation is impossible for me or any other person to “fix,” but Yahuah has told me over and over again to be patient & trust Him, so I finally believe it will be okay (9 months & 3 huge mistakes later).

Whatever you encounter in life, don’t forget that it will all be okay in the end.

Thank you for reading,

bisous bisous ♥

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