So today marks 10 years since my mom passed away and I decided to reflect on all that I’ve learned in those 10 years. It has not been easy going through this phase of life without much guidance, but I’ve learned a lot having to navigate on my own (for the most part). I have some supportive people in my life, but no one really knows how to handle my complicated life, so I’ve had to work on so many things on my own. Which in turn strengthened my relationship with Christ.
Grief makes absolutely no sense!.. and it doesn’t have to.
Everyone is so different and how we mourn is not linear. Last year, this day didn’t make me sad. I was actually very happy because, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was going to be okay. I still feel that way but, for some reason, I feel more despondent today. So what I guess I’m trying to say is that healing is not linear.
Expressing your emotions is very important.
This is something I, sadly, had to learn the hard way. I didn’t get the chance to really feel my emotions until college and that was the absolute worst time for all of that to take place. I won’t get into details, but burying your emotions never turns out well. I had to see a therapist before I fully understood this and now I talk things out as much as I can. Even journaling daily can be beneficial.
You grow up REALLY fast when you experience trauma.
This is kind of something that most people know, but I didn’t fully realize it until I started to socialize more. There are so many people I’ve met that are MUCH older than me, yet still act like children. Losing my mom (and my dad), really helped me understand what matters in life. My philosophy for how I live is so different than most people I know. This is something I am still learning to accept; because not everyone’s childhood is as dark as mine, so not everyone can understand my POV.
I’ve become an expert at talking to others.
I think I have to credit most of this to my amazing therapist. Even though I was a patient, I felt like a student, at times, when going to her sessions. Therapy teaches you soooo much about yourself and, in turn, you can use that to understand others. I’ve become more empathetic (I also think this is my nature) and this has allowed me to help others who struggle with their emotions.
It’s okay to be happy or sad or angry.
As I stated earlier, expressing your emotions is the best thing you can do for yourself. For example, I had to learn that it is okay to be happy on Mother’s Day even though my mom is no longer here. It doesn’t negate the fact that you’re still grieving, so there is no reason to feel guilty for it.
The world does not revolve around me.
This is one I had a hard time with because, early on, I thought it did. Life goes on whether or not you want to accept it. I still feel bad about how I was to certain people when my mom first passed away. I thought that I was the only one who was allowed to feel any pain (along with my brother). When any of my friends were having a bad day, I always thought that mine was worse because I’m an orphan. And I actually thought I was alone in this until a few weekends ago. I found out that one of my newer friends lost his dad when he was a teenager as well. He told me that he acted the same way. Of course, I don’t blame myself for feeling that way at the time, but I had to quickly step out of my own world and realize that bad things happen all the time, to all people. That doesn’t mean that you have to compare who has it worse. The world would be a disaster if we all treated each other that way.
Time really does heal… you just have to be patient.
There is not much more to elaborate with this one, but I know it’s true. I used to get very mad when people would tell me this, but everything does work out eventually.
“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will take care of me.” Psalm 27:10
I found this verse a year or so after my mom passed away and I remember how much it made me weep. When I look at the last 10 years, I see how much I have changed. And despite everything bad that has happened, God has taken care of me. Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. There was a period of time where I was in so much darkness and I couldn’t see past my situation. But God continued to be there for me, even though I gave up on Him several times. Learning to trust in His word is what gave me strength.
I woke up this morning feeling like I shouldn’t write about this because it’s too depressing, but when I prayed about it, God told me to do it. My life is far from perfect, but God has decided to use me as an example of what He can do and all I want to do is share it with y’all.
Thank you for reading,
bisous bisous ♥